Lawyer
Lawyer tells his client, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the client.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
Irishman
An Irishman was driving in the city in a panic because he was late for an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Irishman looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
Glasses
HER: You look great without glasses
ME: I don’t wear glasses
HER: <putting glasses back on> I do
Children
A father lets his son use the family car, and the son comes back a few hours later.
SON: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
FATHER: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
SON: “I’m telling you the car has water in the carburetor.”
FATHER: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
SON: “It’s in the lake.”
Ageist
An older guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young woman.
Guy asked a nearby trainer “What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young lady over there?”
The trainer looked up and down and said, “Try the ATM in the lobby.”