A young accountant, straight out of college, applies for a job advertised in the Irish Examiner. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” says the man, “but mainly I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“How do you mean?” says the accountant.
“I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters.”
“OK,” says the accountant. “How much are you offering?”
“You can start on fifty thousand,” says the owner.
“Fifty thousand euro!. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?”
“That,” says the owner, “is your first worry.”
****
An accountant for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn’t prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.
Time after time the accountant stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip.
On three occasions the accountant made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.
After a few months of this the accountant was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned.
A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse the accountant went up to him and said, “Look, I’ve left the company, I’m not interested in taking it any further and I won’t shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?” And the bloke said “Tarpaulins.”
****
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large flock of sheep and the farmer says, “You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that field?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a minute and says, “One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two.”
The farmer is amazed. “Exactly right”, he says. “How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant “I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”