The young accounting graduate, fresh out of college and of course knowing everything, applied for his first job.
The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for. “Oh, around €50,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
“Well, how does this sound?” said the employer. “Five weeks annual leave, €80,000 salary with 20% performance bonus, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone and mobile reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 miles, say a Mercedes convertible.”
The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. “Wow. Are you kidding?”
“Yeah. But you started it.”
A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a field close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, “Can you tell me where I am?’.
“Yes, of course”, says the driver. “You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the on Jim Murphy’s farm, 12.5 miles from Macroom. Jim will be plowing the field next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the field. It is behind you and about to attack you.”
At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the driver, “I see you’re an accountant”.
“Good Grief”, says the other man, “you’re right. How did you know that?”
“I employ accountants,” says the balloonist. “The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help.”
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs €500.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant.
“Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.”
“How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant.
“That one costs €1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts”.
The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs €4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”