A Cork accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.
“What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter
“I work in private practice,” is the reply.
He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.
“Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted span,” says St Peter.
“How can that be?” says the accountant. “I’m too young to go. I’m only forty-eight”
“No, that’s impossible.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Well we’ve been looking at your time sheets and the hours you’ve charged your clients. By our reckoning you’re at least ninety three.”
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”
The guy replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m a Cork accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6’ 2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant from Cork too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”
The first guy says, “Not really, I don’t want to have to explain it twice.”
A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge flock of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, “Tell you what, I’ll bet you €100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock.”
The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big flock and he can’t see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, “OK. You’re on.”
“Nine hundred and thirty two,” says the man.
The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. “I don’t know how you did it but that’s exactly right. A bet’s a bet. Take any sheep.”
The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, “Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation.”
The man thinks, “How would he know, he’s never met me before” and says “Right. You’re on”.
The farmer says, “You’re an auditor with a Big Four Cork accounting firm.”
The man whistles. “How the heck did you know that?”
“Well,” says the farmer, “I’ll tell you when you put down my dog.”
10 Fundamental Laws of Accounting
1. Trial balances don’t balance.
2. Bank reconciliations never reconcile.
3. Working Capital does not work.
4. Return on Investments never will give a return.
5. Creditors have better memories than debtors.
6. A credit card limit is a minimum target.
7. A budget is an orderly system for living beyond your means.
8. The time spent discussing any item in the accounts is in inverse proportion to its size.
9. Materiality in accounts depends on the audit deadline.
10. Never meet your Cork accountant on a Wednesday as it spoils two whole weekends.
For more jokes see: Accountancy Jokes