A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn in Cork City. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, “I’m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We’re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?”
The owner replies, “I don’t have an opinion. I’m a chartered accountant.
A Cork accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, “Do you know what I do?’
“Daddy says you’re a CPA.”
“That’s right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?”
“Well, he says you’re a complete pain in the arse.”
There once was a business owner in Cork City who was interviewing people for a divisional manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question “how much is 2+2?”.
The journalist answered “22 period”.
The social worker said “I don’t know the answer but I’m glad you have raised this important question”.
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02”.
The mathematician said “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with a following short proof”.
The attorney stated “In the case of O’Leary vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.”
The trader asked “Are you buying or selling?”
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice “Now what would you like it to be?”
An accountant from Cork applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview.
They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says “What is nine multiplied by four?” He thinks quickly and says “Thirty five.”
When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks “Well, I blew that” and goes home very disappointed.
Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. “Wonderful,” he says, “but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn’t right.”
“We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest.”