1. Welcome to the accounting firm where everybody counts.
2. It’s accrual world.
3. Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter.
4. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
5. An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
6. How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
7. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.
8. Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical? They have strong internal controls.
9. Be audit as you can be.
10. What do you call an accountant who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.? Lazy.
11. What do you call a trial balance that doesn’t balance? A late night.
12. How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to marketing before saying NO.
13. There are just two rules for creating a successful accountancy business: 1. Don’t tell them everything you know. 2. [Redacted]

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/jokes-for-accountants-2014-5#ixzz3BWDlxuHY

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A Cork accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.

“What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter

“I work in private practice,” is the reply.

“Name?”

He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

“Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted span,” says St Peter.

“How can that be?” says the accountant. “I’m too young to go. I’m only forty-eight”

“No, that’s impossible.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well we’ve been looking at your time sheets and the hours you’ve charged your clients. By our reckoning you’re at least ninety three.”

JOKE 2

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”

The guy replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m a Cork accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6’ 2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant from Cork too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The first guy says, “Not really, I don’t want to have to explain it twice.”

JOKE 3

A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge flock of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, “Tell you what, I’ll bet you €100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock.”

The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big flock and he can’t see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, “OK. You’re on.”

“Nine hundred and thirty two,” says the man.

The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. “I don’t know how you did it but that’s exactly right. A bet’s a bet. Take any sheep.”

The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, “Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation.”

The man thinks, “How would he know, he’s never met me before” and says “Right. You’re on”.

The farmer says, “You’re an auditor with a Big Four Cork accounting firm.”

The man whistles. “How the heck did you know that?”

“Well,” says the farmer, “I’ll tell you when you put down my dog.”

JOKE 4

10 Fundamental Laws of Accounting

1. Trial balances don’t balance.

2. Bank reconciliations never reconcile.

3. Working Capital does not work.

4. Return on Investments never will give a return.

5. Creditors have better memories than debtors.

6. A credit card limit is a minimum target.

7. A budget is an orderly system for living beyond your means.

8. The time spent discussing any item in the accounts is in inverse proportion to its size.

9. Materiality in accounts depends on the audit deadline.

10. Never meet your Cork accountant on a Wednesday as it spoils two whole weekends.

For more jokes see:  Accountancy Jokes

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A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn in Cork City. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, “I’m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We’re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?”

The owner replies, “I don’t have an opinion. I’m a chartered accountant.

Joke 2

A Cork accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, “Do you know what I do?’

“Daddy says you’re a CPA.”

“That’s right.  Did he tell you what CPA stands for?”

“Well, he says you’re a complete pain in the arse.”

Joke 3

There once was a business owner in Cork City who was interviewing people for a divisional manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question “how much is 2+2?”.

The journalist answered “22 period”.

The social worker said “I don’t know the answer but I’m glad you have raised this important question”.

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02”.

The mathematician said “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with a following short proof”.

The attorney stated “In the case of O’Leary vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.”

The trader asked “Are you buying or selling?”

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice “Now what would you like it to be?”

Joke 4

An accountant from Cork applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview.

They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says “What is nine multiplied by four?” He thinks quickly and says “Thirty five.”

When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks “Well, I blew that” and goes home very disappointed.

Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. “Wonderful,” he says, “but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn’t right.”

“We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest.”

The post A Few More Jokes appeared first on Parfrey Murphy.

An Arthur Anderson partner comes back to his office and says to his manager, “Did you get my mobile message where I said, ‘Ship the Enron documents to the Feds’?”

The manager goes white. “Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron documents to shreds.”

Joke 2

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep?”

“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

 Joke 3

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds.

He goes over and says, “Can I help? Have you lost something?”

“No,” says one of the doctors. “We’re about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”

Joke 4

Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing:

“He’s such a sensitive child.  Let’s wait until he’s older before we tell him you’re an accountant.”

Joke 5

Conversation between two accountants at a party:

“…….and ninthly…”

Joke 6

An accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening. It reads:

“Dear Wife.

This week I turned 54. I am going away for the weekend. I will be staying at the Hilton with my gorgeous, sexy, 18-year-old secretary.”

When he arrives at the hotel there is a letter waiting for him. It is from his wife. It reads:

“Dear Husband.

I too am 54. I too am going away for the weekend. I will be staying at the Sheraton with my handsome and virile 18-year-old toy boy. You’re an accountant. You’ll appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

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